5 steps to better communication

Learnings from psychologist Carl Rogers

This is why I loved the support groups so much, if people thought you were dying, they gave you their full attention. If this might be the last time they saw you, they really saw you. Everything else about their checkbook balance and radio songs and messy hair went out the window. You had their full attention. People listened instead of just waiting for their turn to speak. And when they spoke, they weren't just telling you a story. When the two of you talked, you were building something, and afterward you were both different than before."

— Chuck Palahniuk, Fight Club

Our narrator is complaining about the default model of communication: you speak, then he or she responds. If one is lucky, the speeches are related to each other. More often, each person continues their monologue until a short pause to catch his or her breath, at which time the other, hearing a momentary hiatus in the proceedings, jumps in and begins to describe in detail what's happened in her day, making sure to spend just as much time because goddamn it, it's her turn.

Carl Rogers, 1902–1987

There's something unsatisfying in this. We want the other person to understand us. To have an idea of what we're feeling, what we're going through, and how it affects us. And even if we know that's what we want, we still don't give it to others. To excel in such communication is hard. It takes practice. And a little guidance doesn't hurt.

Luckily, pioneering psychologist Carl Rogers figured this out 50 years ago. As the founder of therapy" class="text-primary no-underline hover:underline">person-centered therapy, he believed helping a client comes through empathy and compassion. And what works in a client-therapist relationships applies equally to any caring relationship (what he calls "helping relationships"). Contrast this with cognitive behavioral therapy, which focuses on goals and teaching explicit techniques to improve life.

In his 1961 book On Becoming a Person, Rogers describes what his experiences have taught him. Much of the first chapter, "This is Me", directly relates to having better helping relationships. I've included his quotes below, along with my own thoughts on how you can apply them to your life. If you want, you can turn every communication into those found in Palahniuk's support groups.

#1: "I find I am more effective when I can listen acceptantly to myself, and can be myself."

Be quiet for a minute and listen to yourself. How are you feeling? Are you angry? Bored? Anxious? Fearful? Whatever it is, accept it. This is your truth at the present moment. Allow yourself to be that truth. Without judgement. You're not perfect; none of us are. For a moment, stop thinking about what you should be, and welcome who you are.

It seems counter-intuitive, but it's only when we accept ourselves for who we are that change begins. Don't spend energy beating yourself up. And certainly don't compare yourself with anyone else, including some idealized version of you. When we run away from ourselves, we don't grow.

Instead, relax and tell yourself "I am being selfish" or "I am causing pain", or whatever's going on at the moment. With this act of acceptance, change comes almost unnoticed.

Why would this be? Rogers writes that within each of us is a desire to grow, a "drive towards self-actualization". After I understand and accept that Yes I'm being an ass, I automatically and necessarily become kinder. This is part of being human: that beneath all our faults and psychological defenses, is the urge move forward. This truth is at the center of Roger's entire psychotherapeutic perspective.

Importantly, when we accept ourselves with all our faults, we can accept others with theirs.

#2: "In my relationships with persons I have found that it does not help, in the long run, to act as though I were something that I am not."

Now that you know how you're feeling and have accepted it, behave that way. Are you angry? Don't act calm. Are you sick? Don't act well. Don't behave like you know the answers when you don't. Showing the world one façade while contrasting emotions are tumbling underneath creates a barrier between the two of you. This barrier makes genuine communication difficult.

Easier said than done. We naturally want to protect our hurt, inner self from those around us, even those we are closest with. We fear that if we show our true selves, they will no longer care about us. "Who could love me as I really am? If you only knew the truth, you would leave me," we think. And so we make believe we're happy while we hurt inside.

So try this: the next time someone asks how you are, think about it (#1) and tell them how you really are. You may find your relationship grow closer.

(warning: Rogers says "in the long run" this is the case. I suggest limiting this to people who you actually want to have a long relationship with; for example, try not to act grumpy with the people bagging your groceries).

#3: "I have found it of enormous value when I can permit myself to understand another person."

Our first reaction when he hear someone is to judge: "That's right" or "That's stupid" or something similar. When we do that, we're not really listening and trying to understand. We're putting our own perspective on what the other person is saying. Our personal thoughts and feelings color their words. This filter — created by our personal experiences — allows us to perceive the world as we expect it to be. And a world which matches our expectations is safe.

To truly understand someone takes courage: we might learn something, see it from a different perspective, and be changed as a result. And change is hard, scary, and something we only do as a last resort. We build the filter to protect us. Unfortunately the same thing that protects us also prevents growth.

Seeing through the filter is known as (psychology" class="text-primary no-underline hover:underline">mindfulness>): seeing things as they really are. The best way to practice mindfulness is with Vipassanā meditation. If you're interested, I suggest Mindfulness in Plain English; it's where I got started. You can also view an older version online for free.