8 simple steps to make friends at any age

Photo by Greg Raines on Unsplash

It was another Friday night, watching Netflix and complaining to myself "it's hard to meet people when you're over 30!", "why doesn't anyone call me?", "everyone speaks French and I can't". I had just moved to Montreal from the US, and like my previous moves, I struggled making new friends. I believed that everyone had already formed their friend groups and didn't think there was room for me. Working from home without work colleagues to go and get a drink with made things worse.

But this time rather than sitting at home feeling sorry for myself, I started going out and meeting new people. Most I didn't connect with, but a few of them became the best friends I've ever had. And I learned that lots of people are looking for new connections. Here's my favorite technique to find them.

1. Get in the right state of mind

I used to go out with the same thoughts I had always had, namely that Making Friends Is Hard. And when I came home without new friends, I validated that Making Friends IS Hard!

But actually it's not. Or rather it's hard because of the negative thought itself. Negative, limiting beliefs tend to become self-fulfilling prophecies: simply by having the thought, it's more likely to happen. As Jim Kwik says, "Your brain is like a supercomputer, and your self-talk is the program it will run"; they're like little rogue apps in your mind, filling up your space and making everything slow as dried ketchup.

So put effort into removing those limiting beliefs. To start, simply notice them. Don't try to push them away, as they're stubborn and won't disappear with force. Instead, think positive thoughts and affirmations like "I can make friends at any age" or "people enjoy talking with me because I have interesting things to say". I also like The Work of Byron Katie for understanding and transmuting these stories we tell ourselves.

The other important mind shift is to tell yourself you're looking for friends and not lovers. When I go to an event, my attention can shift to an attractive woman in the room, distracting me from connecting with others. Or if it is the person I'm talking to, I can come across as super creepy. Before going out, I remind myself that my goal is to make friends and non-sexual connections. This helps me maintain my focus on simply connecting with other humans.

2. Use Meetup to find something you're interested in

I've found Meetup to be the easiest way to make new friends. I'm constantly surprised by how many people don't know this amazing platform! There are tons of them across the world, with topics to match any interest. If you attend a subject that calls to you, it's likely to be a good evening even if you don't connect with anyone. You could also try one of the many groups that exist purely for socializing (usually with "Social" in the title), but I've had less luck making friends there. And don't worry if not many people show up; I attended one meetup in NYC where only 2 people showed up (even the host was absent!), but I'm still close friends with one of them.

I met nearly my entire social network here in Montreal by attending a couple meetups. Here are the meetups near you to start you off.

3. Arrive early

I used to arrive late so I wasn't the first one there, not wanting people to think I had nothing better to do. Now I see being early gives me an opportunity to talk to the host by myself. Introduce yourself, ask if he or she needs anything, and generally be inquisitive and curious (more later). Just by doing this, you should receive a couple introductions to people as they walk in.

4. Introduce yourself to people

If the host isn't available for some reason to introduce you, it's simple to do it yourself. Start with literally the first person who walks in; this person is probably awkward about being there earlier than others, and you will make their day by being super friendly and welcoming. Later in the evening, you can walk up to someone standing or sitting alone and start a conversation with a simple "hi".

5. Talk about your interests and get curious of theirs

At meetups, most people ask the same question like "what do you do?" or "where are you from?". After attending meetups for years, I get sick of answering the same question. While in software development, I would quickly pivot to something I enjoy talking about, like "I do software development, but what I really love is to travel." There's nothing wrong with talking about your work if you love it. But always talk about something you're interested in so that you connect with others who have the same interests.

Along with talking about what you like, get really curious about them. Maybe it's something physical like their clothing or hairstyle, or perhaps they have an interesting name or accent. And if nothing obvious like that interests you, ask them what they love to do. "What do you do for fun?" is a simple question to start with. Maybe their work is fun, or maybe something you never would have guessed. Listen to where their passion lies and follow it wherever it leads.

With both of you discussing things you are genuinely interesting in, you're more likely to have a great chat and get a sense of who the person really is. Especially if you follow the next step.

6. Be your vulnerable self

In the course of the conversation, you might find something you're nervous to discuss. Perhaps you were scared the first time that you took a flight, or you got lost when you first moved to the city. These are interesting, beautiful moments to share. Brené Brown says "Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage. Truth and courage aren't always comfortable, but they're never weakness." When people hear you speak truthfully, they will relax into your presence and trust what you say.

7. Get their contact info

At some point you'll find you want to leave the conversation, either because you want to meet more people or need a break in the conversation. If you want to stay in touch, get their contact information. You could say something like "Hey, I've really enjoyed this conversation. I'm going to grab some food / water / beer. I'd love to stay in touch, what's the best way to do that? Do you have WhatsApp?" The mode of communication isn't important, but I prefer WhatsApp or Signal because they are encrypted and I don't need Facebook to distract me. You can also give them your contact info, but it doesn't matter as much because you're going to …

8. Follow up

No more than a day or two later (or perhaps even the same night!), reach out with a friendly text including a reminder of who you are. You can try "Hey, I enjoyed our conversation last night about some interesting topic. I'd like to grab a coffee with you and chat some more. Are you free tomorrow afternoon?"

You might want to adjust that if they told you they were really busy, something like "I remember you told me you're really busy, so how about a quick coffee next week?" I suggest a quick text conversation to meet in person, rather than a drawn-out text message exchange.

Conclusion

It may seem difficult to make new friends, especially after 30. But with a positive attitude and a bit of effort, you'll soon meet people with similar interests and values as yours. It may take a few attempts to find people you really jive with, so don't be discouraged if you don't connect right away. Keep going to interesting events and enjoy the process.

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